Ridiculous

This morning I spent four hours with the finance director then the whole afternoon trying to build an expense report for a really big grant we received in 2007. The few of many things wrong with this picture are 1) I didn’t write the original grant because it happened B. PWADJ. so I have no idea what we promised we’d do with the money, 2) the person who was charged as the key project management staff didn’t manage it, so kept no clear records of what we said we would do, what we may have already done, and what happens if we screw up, and 3) only about 3% of expenditures on this project were booked as expenditures on this project.

Basically what this all means is I had to invent an expense report to show “how we used the money.” This is harder than it seems, and yet, much easier than what we actually did to find various monies to earmark toward it. We went through quickbooks and discovered all these things people did for the project (or things that could be perceived as having been for the project) that they didn’t classify toward the project – fine. There’s no question we spent the money (is there ever a question of that? In my world money’s long spent before I have it). But, did we accomplish what we said we would accomplish through the means we said we’d accomplish it? I think we all know  the answer to that one…

The thing I hate the most about being a fundraiser is having to co-exist with people who are SO not fundraisers. If I had a nickel for every time someone said “can we just get a grant for that?” I’d have a gut full of nickels and be long dead of metal poisoning by now. If I could “just get a grant for it,” please note that, as the grant writer, I ALREADY WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE GRANT FOR IT. I don’t need you to ask “can’t we just get a grant for it,” as if I hadn’t thought of that myself. “Oh Geez, you are right! We CAN just get a grant for that!” (doh! Hit head with palm of hand then go have a V-8.)

People just have no idea what it takes to get someone to give you money, and to handle it well enough that they want to give you MORE (the ultimate goal, for all you not-in-the-know: the goal is to cultivate for more money in the future). I don’t know if it’s that crazy guy on TV infomercials skewering the reality of the availability of grant money, or if people just think it’s as easy as sitting outside of a 7-11 and asking someone for a dollar, or to buy your beer for you. (Please note: crazy TV infomercial guy makes his money selling you books on how to make money through grants. If the grants are so ubiquitous and fortuitous as he says, then why doesn’t he just do that? Think about it, yo.)

And don’t forget you are going to have to report on that money and may end up spending an entire day pulling your hair out over it swearing to GOD you’ll never ever get another grant again. It ain’t worth it!

So I was telling another co-worker about my day-long expense report invention and I happened to say this pithy little remark that had us both laughing, then had me seriously considering what I had said, which was this:

“If only poems were as easy to invent as this kind of expense report!”

Funny right? Until you think about it: the thing was not that easy to do, but I spent all day doing it and accomplished it. If only I spent 8 hours dedicated to a poem, then perhaps, just perhaps, it would feel easy, and get done. Oh well.

Tags: grant writing, grants, matthew lesko, free money